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Published on December 11th, 2018 | by Eaalim Institute | Views: 250

Parenting Tips

assalamualaikum warahmatullahi

wabarakatuh smilla here alhamdulillah wa

salatu wa salam and abdullah rasool

allah muhammad wa ala aalihi wa sahbihi

ajma’in we praise allah subhanahu wa

ta’ala the Creator nourisher cherisher

sustain and provide a protector cure of

one and all the one in whose hands lies

absolute control of every aspect of

existence we ask him to bless us in

every single way to protect us and to

grant us every form of goodness my

brothers and sisters in Islam I am

indeed humbled by the huge gathering of

my brothers and sisters here and I ask

the Almighty to grant us the ability to

learn a thing or two and to be able to

not only say that yes this was correct

but to implement it in sha allah in our

lives but to start with i think you know

perhaps maybe seeing that the faces are

quite serious perhaps we need to start

with something on a lighter note you

know people know that this man sometimes

he would make sure that we have a bit of

laughter so that we feel that the human

in us it’s something connected to where

I say I say at the hotel at the moment

and that hotel is known as the Holiday

Inn now what happened is there was a man

and although speaking person who was

asked where are you saying now he did

not really know because he saw the name

and it was written in Arabic have any

one of you seen Holiday Inn written

enemy you see how it’s written if you

haven’t you can actually check it out

google it and say holiday in Arabic and

you’ll see and he looked at it and he

says well I say at a hotel called who

and levena amazing who a Latina so my

brothers and sisters are staying at who

alanine mela grant us keys in goodness

this is what happens when you haven’t

learned thoroughly but at the same time

it’s also an error that does take place

where lots of Hannah Montana places can

the brothers in front of me please move

slightly each other I know we have a

large crowd of brothers and sisters but

I will try to be as short as possible I

think it’s a lie firstly this evening we

are speaking about parenting and we all

know that we are either parents or

children of parents or both parents and

children some of us our parents have

left and some of us our children have

also left in the form of passing away

may allah subhanahu wata’ala bless them

and grant them Jenna and their loss of

Hannah Hart Allah bless us all something

very important I’d like to start with in

order to start on the right footing we

are sitting here and I ask you a

question have you ever done any good

deeds in your life if you think about it

I’m sure you have how did you feel when

you did good deeds and when you do good

deeds whether it’s Allah or a charity or

anything of that nature how do you feel

and how did you feel well I want to tell

you that the fact that you have done

deeds in your life let’s bring back to

the front of our minds what we have done

that we are not proud of take it to the

back ask allah’s forgiveness and

inshallah it will be wiped out so let’s

take it

the inshallah we are good people we are

people heading in the right direction

because the prophet sallallahu alayhi

wasallam makes it quite clear when he

says if your good deed makes you happy

and your bad deed makes you sad or

regretful then that is a sign that you

are a true believer either Sawatzky

Hashanah to Kasatka say he took Fantom

oatmeal and this I’m sure every one of

us feels that so let us start off on

that footing in sha Allah by the will of

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala he has made us

he has created us and we have

responsibilities as we are the creatures

of Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala these

responsibilities he has explained them

in detail and this evening I am going to

go through some of these duties that

Allah has placed on our shoulders and we

will go through the experiences of so

many different people insha’Allah and we

will try to present guidelines and then

inshallah at the end I will open the

floor for some questions inshallah

depending on the time firstly remember

when Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala says in

the Quran yeah I you Hal live in Amman

okuu

ah kumoi lincoln ah oh you who believe

save yourselves and your family members

from the fire this is very important

because it displays to us what our duty

is I must save myself firstly and then

my family members my children and those

whom I will perhaps in some cases also

you would have your parents who might

need a reminder or a little tapping if

we do that in a beautiful way so that

they can remember Allah remind

themselves of allah subhanahu wa’ta’ala

and come back onto track inshallah we

will be gaining so this is something

extremely important the verse of the

Quran expressing that we need to save

ourselves and our family members from

the fire may allah subhanahu wa’ta’ala

protect us all and help us to help one

another

I mean also Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala

says that he has given you family

members or specifically children as a

test these children are our tests

because sometimes you know that Allah

has placed in your heart the love for

the child how do you translate that love

is it by letting them get away with what

we would turn murder is it by letting

them get away with something that is

unacceptable or is it that you ensure

that the love you have for them makes

you guide them in the right direction so

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala says in

I wanna do Coon fitna indeed your wealth

and your children are a test from allah

subhanahu wa’ta’ala Allah is going to

ask you about how you dealt with them

and Allah is going to ask you about how

you earned your wealth how you spent it

how you treated your children and

prepared them for the day they would

meet with Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala and

this is why Muhammad sallallahu alayhi

wa sallam has asked us to be role models

and guides to our offspring clearly

stating could lucuma

what could look masculine a variety each

one of you is a shepherd and every

single one of you is responsible for his

or her flock the flock those whom you

are in authority over it is your duty to

fulfill their rights and teach them how

to fulfill yours and the rights of

others so we ask Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala to give us responsibility to

fulfill the rights in a nutshell if

someone were to ask you about parenting

the first thing we need to know what is

the meaning of parenting you know in the

Arabic language they say that if you

need to know what is it we are talking

about so in the English language we

would say parenting is a process of

caretaking and educating through which

you help your child grow from a

dependent child to an independent adult

so it’s the whole process it’s known as

parenting and this is something amazing

because Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa

sallam he was a father and a grandfather

and he lost some of his children in fact

to be honest he lost all of his children

besides one in his lifetime

you know the females had grown to

adulthood and beyond but when it comes

to the male’s

they were lost at infancy or childhood

and all this was the plan of Allah for

him to be the best example for us if

that happens to me how should I react to

it Lada can Allah convey rasoi

I also added an asana indeed for you in

Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is

a beautiful example to follow something

to emulate something to learn from

something to adopt and this is why he

was made to go through so many

difficulties in life not because he

deserved it but because it was meant to

be a lesson for us all if this happens

to you how do you react to it so that is

parenting and in a nutshell I look at

parenting by saying you need to be a

role model for your child that’s it if

you are a role model for your child

there is nothing more that you need so

ask yourself every single time am i a

role model for my own child the way I

handled myself the way I carry myself

the way I speak to the child the way I

treat all my children if I’ve got more

than one and so on the way I treat my

spouse because that is what my child

will look at and grow and develop to be

able to emulate later on in life so I

become the role model of my own children

and offspring that in a nutshell

encapsulate the entire topic that we

have tonight but let’s continue

inshallah and we make mention of several

interesting points firstly you need to

know that parenting is about expressing

true love true love not just love when

we say love we talk of sometimes people

who don’t understand you and I know and

I made mention of this a few days ago on

one of my social feeds and I said you

know the term law lol what does it mean

it means laugh out loud some people say

it means lots of love but let’s take the

other one it means laugh out loud I

asked you a question and I want you to

raise your hand in answer how many of

you have used the term lol without

laughing put up your hand you did not

laugh but you used lol law then we are

most of us almost all are guilty what

that means is a word to say I love you

it could just

you saying something but you don’t

really mean it it’s not in your heart

and this is where hypocrisy creeps in we

need to check the heart when I say I

love you my child do you really love the

child in the true sense or are you just

splashing everything for the child

because the child is dead or mum this is

what I want that’s what I want and you

say no problem I love you so take it I

love you so take it sometimes love is

displayed by not giving in to that which

is detrimental and this needs to be done

in a beautiful fashion this is why we

say rather than instruct the child

engage the child very big difference you

know I can tell my child do not do this

I’ve instructed it may have an impact

but if I sat and engage the child why is

it that you should not be doing this it

will be far deeper and it will be far

more you know effective in the long term

you have now created a generation whom

later on when they have their own

children they will engage them too in

the same thing may Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala grant us blessings so as a parent

we need to understand the influency that

you have when your child is mainly by

the example that you model that is the

influence that you have on your child

and also by the treatment by the

structures that you impose and the

education you impart sometimes we have

children who are orphans but they are

not orphans

you might ask what does that mean you

know in the in the Sharia in Islam when

you say a child is an orphan it’s

someone who’s lost their dad someone

who’s lost dead their father in infancy

or childhood

that’s an orphan and they have a very

lofty status the reason is Islam has

given such a high status to the orphan

child so that the gap that is created by

the absence of the father is actually

filled by others in a beautiful way

Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

himself wasn’t often and I always say

that as a consolation for those who

might be orphans the best of creation

wasn’t often it means if you are an

awesome you are not

Vantage in any way you can actually

reach the skies and beyond and this is

what has happened to Muhammad sallallahu

alayhi wasallam it was the choice of

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala

to take away not only his father but

slightly later in his childhood even his

mother may allah subhanahu wa ta’ala

bless him and bless us all I mean so

some of the children are orphans but not

orphans which means they have both

parents but the father could not be

bothered he’s hardly ever at home no

spending any time mother on whatsapp

mashallah mashallah bbm or you have

facebooking I cook the food I take a

picture and I let the whole world know

my food and everyone looks at it and

then my stomach starts painting and I

wonder why the whole world was wishing

for something that I had and I didn’t

realize there was no need to actually do

that but we ask Allah protection you may

obviously socialize but within limits

without crossing the other rights that

you need to fulfill especially when it

comes to your children and family

members so nobody is saying do not

socialize No

Islam is a beautiful faith it’s a

beautiful religion it has room for

socializing in fact certain socializing

is considered an act of worship to visit

someone with the correct intention to

visit the city to ask about them pick up

the phone and ask about someone who is

sick that is actually something so great

it’s something you will be disseminating

on to the next generation if you do it

correctly but if you do it incorrectly

your child needs you they come and ask

you my dad I really need this and you

didn’t even hear what they said you know

it happens sometimes and this happens

even between spouses where you know the

man has worked all day and he comes back

and he’s interested either in the

internet or in his phone you know gone

are the days when we were interested in

the newspapers I think so we’re you know

engrossed in the paper but it could be

happening until mother comes along and

the children are sitting there and

mother says Oh dad what would you like

to eat and he just says yes because he

didn’t hear you he says did you have a

good day

yes everything okay yes and some of the

clever mothers say are you

stupid yes because he did not hear what

you said and this is why I believe

firmly you want to have a happy home

there must be time in your home when you

put aside everything and talk to the

people in reality your spouse talk to

them look in the eye the warmth that is

in the eye of a person is far more

spiritual than sending them a message or

tweeting or anything of that nature so

look at the person in the eye smile at

them that won’t is so reassuring it

builds a whole generation and it also is

something spiritual that develops a

connection and the correct feeling

between people this is why look at your

children look them in the eye smile at

them tell them things it’s very very

important let them know that they are

more important than your phone and

everything else and you have time for

them because that is your primary duty

it’s a generation that you are building

may Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala help us to

fulfill this in the most beautiful way I

mean so as we were saying some are

orphans but not all since I’ve spoken

about that and I’ve explained to you how

it’s important for me to ask myself is

my child an orphan are my children

actually orphans which means I’m there

as a father but am I ever really there

for them do I spend time with them what

do I give preference to sometimes you

have some of us as young people who are

growing up we have our children and yet

every weekend we are with our friends up

to 2:00 in the morning with your friends

it’s fine to be with your friends

sometimes you know I had a case where

there was a young man who told me I

cannot leave my friends because they

call me a chicken you know they say this

man’s a chicken look he’s scared of his

wife you know

he’s frightened of his wife so I told

him I said you know what tell them yes I

am frightened of her but be happy in

your home it’s more important I don’t

mind if my friends think I’m scared of

my wife but I’ve got a very happy home

back home everyone is smiling and happy

my friends are important but they are

secondary primarily my family and

not saying divorce your friends in

totality know if they are good company

decent set aside the time mashallah and

you need to abide by those limits

because this is the duty you as a parent

would owe to your own children another

very interesting point we need to know

that parenting is all about

relationships especially the

relationship between the spouses so

between you and your wife or your

husband that relationship is part of

parenting silent parenting you did not

speak but you have such a beautiful

relation with your wife or your husband

that your children are watching and they

are so reassured so happy they grow up

believing this is how you should address

a female at close respect but sometimes

we yell we scream we shout we have no

time for anyone and then what happens

the children grow up mimicking us and we

don’t realize my son got married and

he’s yelling at his wife exactly as I

used to yell at his own mother this is

important for us to know and this is why

we say please let’s take care our

relationships are extremely important

the children mimic better than anyone

else you know if you are trying to talk

to a child before the age of them being

able to speak they actually mimic in a

much more beautiful way take a look at

little children who read Salah they

engage in prayer yet you cannot talk to

them did you tell the little child who’s

six months or one year old that you

dress like me or for example pray no but

the child started praying how many of us

have witnessed little kids they are

found in sujood when the mother is

fulfilling Salah they say I want my sad

Giada as well or my prayer mat as well

and I want to dress exactly like you and

I want to do this did you tell them

anything no it’s because children mimic

they follow so be careful we are happy

when they follow the good habits what

your bad habits because they will follow

them behind your back may Allah

Subhanahu

I’ll help us to work on ourselves then

it’s important for us to realize we need

to understand our children how do you

understand your child you know to

understand children if you look at those

who have studied this topic in detail we

will come up with something beautiful

something I really like and I’ve spoken

about it in the past and we will speak

about it in Charlotte tonight very

briefly to understand your child you

need to know the six days six days what

are the six eight let me tell them to

you in a slightly different way if you

listen to your child and you notice your

child what have you done to the child if

I’m listening to what my child has to

say

when the child comes running home dad I

did well or mum this is what happened

today do you stop for a moment look at

the child and listen if you have

listened and you notice things when the

child something happens you say what

happened here did you get hurt that

means I noticed something if I noticed

and I listen to the child do you know

what I’ve done I’ve given them attention

this attention is so important it is

perhaps one of the most important points

of understanding your child and the

relationship because if they do not get

it from you they will get it from

someone else

believe me if you have no time for your

child they have someone who gives them

time and that might be a person who is

perhaps not befitting to be even

connected to your child because the bad

habits or the evil that that person

might be intending might brush up onto

the child and the only thing that was

needed of you was just to give them a

bit of attention by doing what noticing

things and listening to them subhanAllah

and this is why they call it attention

deficit sometimes a person you know they

have this deficit they have a shortage

and it creates disasters it even results

in health problems some of the children

become closed in the shower because

parents are not interested so to avoid

all this remember one

ask yourself have I listened to my child

do I notice what goes on when the child

does well the child is dressed well and

so on comment say something that shows

attention Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala

bless us so a number one is attention

the second a when you when you are an

understanding person and you show

interests when you show interest in what

the child is doing and you are

understanding the situation of the child

I’m understanding for example something

arises and rather than you know blast

the child at the top of my voice I’m

much more understanding and I engage and

I show an interest in what the child is

doing when that happens I show

acceptance that is acceptance the

acceptance of the child I am accepting

my child and this is the gift of allah

subhanahu wa’ta’ala upon us the child

looks and searches for acceptance when

you have accepted or you show this

acceptance you nurture and develop a

different angle and a different

department within the life of that

particular child so it’s important in

sha Allah for us

also to look into the acceptance and the

way we show an interest in the lives of

our own children so that is the second a

the third one when we praise our

children and we value them we have

approved we have shown approval to show

approval to your child is extremely

important some of us we’ve never

approved anything the child has done

nothing at all so we have never praised

them some cultures believe that you’re

not allowed to pray praise your children

I’ve come across that they say if you

praise your child it’s a meaning it’s

bad it’s something that’s unacceptable

how dare as muslimeen do you know this

issue of praising it goes back to

muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and

he has acknowledged the children and he

has acknowledged them even when they got

to the teenage there are so many

examples of that there is an example of

muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

where he asked two of those who had

wanted to take or participate in the war

and he said okay

the two of you can actually wrestle each

other whoever out wrestles the other he

will come with us with me and so Han

Allah this took place what am I saying

why did that happen

it was development this was development

not only of those two but even of

everyone who was watching everyone who

was seeing and witnessing we ask Allah

Subhanahu WA Ta’ala to help us show this

approval to our children what is

extremely important and close to it in

meaning is the next a that is

acknowledgment acknowledgment through

what we in fact appreciation we spoke

about attention acceptance approval then

appreciation and that appreciation is

through acknowledgement and thanks some

people don’t say thank you to their own

children thank you you know we say just

like Allah Hey thank you very much may

Allah reward you good

what you did is excellent and so on this

is extremely important it shows

appreciation then affection affection

also there are some cultures that

believe you cannot show affection to

your child you cannot hug your child you

cannot kiss your child you know the

prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once

he kissed his grandson and near him was

a man a locker I didn’t habits according

to some narrations and he asked Muhammad

sallallaahu said I’m a question he says

do you know what I have ten of the

children and I’ve never kissed any one

of them the prophet sallallaahu Salim

described it as mercy he says this is

the mercy of Allah whoever doesn’t show

mercy will not be shown mercy so you

show mercy you show this link with your

child love is through two main things

one is telling and the other is touching

touching meaning to embrace to hug to

embrace your child if you embrace your

child what have you done you have

actually given the child that boosts

that the child needs inchaallah we’ll

get to this in a few moments but it’s

important for us to embrace and even to

kiss our children subhanAllah whether

it’s kissing on the forehead kissing on

the cheeks different cultures are

slightly different but it’s important

for us to show the child that you know

what I am your parent and I really care

for you and you are one of them you

my own you are my own so such that the

communication levels develop and this

affection results in the child looking

up to you

some of us are parents our children do

not look up to us they don’t not at all

why because we’ve never shown a link

with them we’ve never been interested in

their lives

we’ve never acknowledged them we’ve

never appreciated no approval and

nothing so may Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala

help us to achieve all this the last a

and that’s the sixth one is perhaps one

of the most important ones when it comes

to parenting in the sense of guiding and

that is Authority you need to display

this Authority in what way by setting

rules and guidelines if there are rules

and guidelines and you have actually

shown these rules in a beautiful way

you’ve made them quite clear whenever

they have been trespassed you have dealt

with it in a beautiful way a very loving

but firm that is a balance that we would

need to master to be firm but very kind

very loving the child needs to know you

know I have had in my own life with my

own children and remember what I am

saying here we all try our best to

fulfill it as best as possible sometimes

we falter and we always can get up again

and continue so usually when there is

something I don’t want one of my

children to do I will sit them down and

explain to them look this is the rule

this is why the rule is there because

sometimes if you just say do this they

might not understand why you explain to

them this is what will happen this is

the repercussion of it and this is why

we say don’t do it but this is a line if

you do this it’s not going to be a good

thing firstly we you know it will hurt

me so you’re talking emotions instead of

saying instead of saying if you do this

I’m going to get very angry it might be

correct but you rather word it with

emotions engage the child if you do this

it’s going

hurt me a lot you know I will feel the

pain so on and this is the first way of

starting and then you can get to

something in Chandler which will be

perhaps a little bit more direct may

Allah Subhanahu WA help us and bless us

so just to quickly recap the six days

regarding understanding your child

attention acceptance approval

appreciation affection and authority we

asked Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala to grant

us a lesson from this and to open our

doors in China in the right direction

then we have a very very interesting

subtitle known as communication it

obviously comes from what we were just

speaking about communication if you want

your child to confide in you you need to

confide in your child as well and when

we talk about confiding in your child

we’re not talking about confiding for

support but rather confiding for

education so I would believe that it is

wrong for a parent to use the child as a

shoulder when the child needs to be

educated it happens to some of us where

a little child that is growing up we go

to the child and we said you know I’ve

got a problem with your father why are

you telling me you’re actually harming

me by telling me you’ve got a problem

with my father sorted out go and ask for

help from your parents from your folks

why are you telling me because now this

child is going to look at dad and saying

not this dad he’s got a problem with mom

you know you you created a disaster yet

a lot of families would have it is quite

normal I would think to have little

issues here and there you know you have

a small minor misunderstanding and

something of that nature that’s your

challenge to sort it out to help solve

it but don’t go to a young child or a

teenage child and start complaining

about huge lifetime complaints about

people who are very important in your

life and various other matters you might

have in a way that it will result in an

effect currently and in the future of

that particular child because there are

two types of impacts upon the child

everything that happens has a current

direct immediate impact and it has an

effect later on as well

on in the life of the child when the

child is 3040 becomes apparent that what

happened in the past affects them in one

way or another either positively or

negatively it’s important for us to

consider this whenever we speak to our

children and this is why sometimes some

some parents even prefer and it’s I

think it’s an important point that can

be discussed and raised prefer not to

allow some of the younger children to

watch the news channels that show a lot

of violence and perhaps a lot of what is

going on on the globe today sometimes

it’s not healthy for certain age groups

to actually even watch the news but

obviously this the reason why we say

this is it has been proven that it

affects the child it affects the child

in a great way so we have to talk to the

child and explain to them that they are

certain bad things that go on and so on

so that they don’t just get a shock one

day when they find out but to watch the

graphics of it sometimes we need to

consider restriction and we need to

perhaps explain it in a different way

may allah subhanahu wa’ta’ala bless us

so regarding the methods of getting

across to your child there are so many

different ways of getting across to your

own child so many different ways and

like we say you can either yell at your

child or you can engage the child

if you yell what will you get perhaps

you will get obedience

you know immediate obedience I screamed

at the child and I said you know what I

want you to do this and I want you to do

that and you are wrong here you are

wrong there I will get immediate results

but these results will actually be

short-lived they won’t be long but when

I’ve engaged the child I will

automatically be able to get long-term

results long-term result and this is why

they say discipline changes behavior but

punishment suppresses behavior you know

when I scream I’ve suppressed when I

punish I’ve suppressed but when I’ve

disciplined in a beautiful way I’ve

educated I’ve actually changed behavior

not just suppress suppress it so there

is a difference

in changing the behavior and suppressing

it sadly in a lot of cases people don’t

even have time to think of this and they

deal with it as it comes to your mind as

a parent you do not deal with things

just as you wish no think before you do

things you are sowing the seed of the

future we’d like generations of children

who are tolerant beautiful when they

speak we can see this person’s highly

educated very well-mannered subhanallah

amazing sometimes you move to certain

countries and certain parts of certain

countries you pick up immediately that

you know what I think here people are

highly educated perhaps they are a

little bit more mature in the way they

deal with other people and so on and I

think it goes back to the upbringing may

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala bless us may

he make us from those who can do this

and who can be of benefit to our own

children very quickly and seeing that we

do have this topic at hand and mashallah

seeing that it’s an important lesson for

all of us we have a lot of online

viewers as well and we acknowledge them

we ask Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala to help

us raise our children and at the same

time we extend the prayer for those who

do not have children who perhaps are

trying to have children for a while may

Allah bless you through his miracle with

offspring

really it is quite sometimes

disheartening to listen to how to bring

up children and yet Allah has not

blessed you with children but at the

same time remember Allah Allah’s plan is

always the best for you he knows what is

exactly tailor-made for your paradise

that’s what he gives you in your life

and how you deal with it will take you

to paradise or it will delay your entry

into paradise that’s just a sweet way of

waiting it may Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala

not make us from those who’s empty into

paradise is delayed or not make us from

those who perhaps might go you know via

via some way before we get there

now lots of Hanoi italic round is good

so the first thing that I’d like to make

mention of regarding communication

praise your child in front of others how

many of you do that we are quick we are

very quick to say this child is rubbish

this child is rotten you know my my

elder child is much better

second one what a bull allahu akbar how

can you say that the child listens the

child knows everything is happening and

you you rather say my children that

handle in life thank Allah they are good

you know you don’t need to go beyond the

limits but say something the child knows

that even the weaknesses I have my mum

or my dad does not expose these in front

of other people and this is when you

have the greatest impact on your child

you praise the child and even in the

face of the child you praise the child

wow I really appreciate you know what

you’ve achieved sometimes we don’t do

this point number two never allow your

child to be depressed by lamenting over

what the child has did in a dangerous

way what this means is the child is now

so self conscious that every small thing

the child says no I’m not good enough I

cannot do this no I don’t look I’m not

beautiful I’m not pretty you know

sometimes you have more than one child

and naturally not all of them are of the

same complexion not all of them look

exactly the same and we make statements

now to build analysis goddess we say oh

this one is the ugly one of my house

this is the Black Sea how can you say

that go out of your way to say mashallah

this one is the pretty one this one

might be fairer in complexion but this

one is my pretty girl just to develop

the child you need this development it

is punishing to hear from your own

parents to say that this one is the

black sheep of my family or this one no

attention some people have a bad habit

you know I was told this by little

children who have sent me emails to say

you know my mother when we go shopping

she takes my sister and she holds my

sister’s hand and because I’m darker in

complexion she makes sure that I’m

walking at the back of the maid well

Loni it’s happening how dare we do that

as muslimeen you take your child be

proud of what allah has given you it’s a

blessing others are crying because they

don’t have children and here we are

abusing our own kids just because of

what they look like or the complexion so

remember this it’s an extremely

important point for us to look into give

importance to you your kids they are

your responsibility they are your test

from allah subhanahu wa

your paradise may lie in how you treat

those children may allah subhanahu

wata’ala make it easy for us very

important be polite and well-mannered

with your own children when you tell

them you want something like we said a

few moments ago learn to use the words

please and thank you and so on

perhaps you know as muslimeen we would

say just like Allah hey we might use

some terms that are Islamic Lee a little

bit more compliant and we would teach

them that by using those terms with your

own children you will definitely be able

to have trained them to use the same

words with others may Allah Subhanahu WA

Jalla make it easy for us then some

people expect the child to be an adult

from childhood and this is dangerous so

your child is only eight years old

and you expect them to do so much like

they are old and they shouldn’t be

playing and they shouldn’t be doing this

no let your child live the childhood let

the child enjoy the childhood with

responsibilities obviously within limits

there are limits for everything but do

not let your child or stop your child

from playing and from doing that which

typical children of that age would be

doing no today we have the age of the

computer and the iPad and the iPhone I

believe there should be age restrictions

really because sometimes we tend out of

our affordability or the love that we

claim to be having for our children to

splash the iPhones and the Samsung’s and

whatever else that we have to the

children and we make them cabbages

sometimes you know they just sit back

they play games all day every day if

that’s the case we are wrong but if you

don’t allow them to play at all and that

is wrong too

you know I have a friend and he happens

to be a dietician and he makes sure his

child does not eat a single sweet anyone

who feeds the child a sweet there is law

whoa and I I happen to say do you know

what the child is a little child let the

child

have a little bit I know you’re a

dietitian and you know what is best for

the child no no no you have no clue

these are my kids leave me alone

okay but I’m engaging you I’m leaving

you alone that ultimately it’s your

decision but talk about it don’t you

think the child deserves you know also

sometimes to put a switch in his mouth

or and subhanAllah some people don’t

understand this let the child grow up if

something is dangerous you know there is

a content in some sweets that might be

detrimental for the health then

understood but generally you cannot stop

the child from living the childhood and

you need to think back at your childhood

as well and you need to understand how

you enjoyed the day’s masha’Allah take

your child out and enjoy the time you

know on the swings and the slides here

you have a beautiful beach that I saw

today subhanAllah it’s interesting

sometimes to just go and spend some time

a few moments and inshallah you will see

the result of that later on in life and

sometimes you’ll also see immediate

results important also is for us to take

the opinion of our own children ask them

what’s your view on this no matter how

little your child is you know you want

to go on holiday I’m going to tell you

something the children who are here

might actually now know our tricks but

anyway let’s let’s say if you want to go

on holiday and you’ve already decided

where to go rather than just say right

this is where we’re going get your

children and say where do you want to go

you’ve already decided where do you want

to go and they start saying saying let

them say so many things and what you do

is market the place you want to take

them to in a nice way in a beautiful way

so they they’ll say yes that’s a good

idea I think that’s it say so next time

we’ll go to the other place yes so they

feel that they are the ones who made the

decision and yet you always knew I just

marketed it to them in a beautiful way

and they feel so they’ll enjoy that

holiday more than anywhere else because

they’re looking forward to the problem

with us we just dish out instructions

we’ve never sometimes thought of seeking

the opinion of my child how can I ask my

challenge yet the child is so small but

the child develops confidence you know

my father asks me come on who are you

man my father actually asks me to say

what should I do and where should I go

and so on and you know sometimes like I

always give one example and I

like it where the color of the vehicle

so you include your family in the color

you know you say looking shadowy buying

a vehicle what color would you like so

they are so interested in the color and

give in to the color I tell you why the

make and model you’ve already decided my

Salma that was much more important isn’t

it so instead of you decided to make and

the model and let them choose the color

this is one example it might not fit in

your lives but I’m just saying you can

actually put other things using the same

model may Allah Subhanahu wa ta ala

grant us the ability to give importance

to our children in a way that we develop

their self-confidence because if they

are confident people will not be able to

dupe them into doing that which is

detrimental for them you know if you

have children who are abused and

children a lot of the times it’s those

who are not self-confident they don’t

have enough attention and sometimes they

don’t even know how to deal with things

and sometimes children are abused and

they keep quiet for years on end and

they don’t say it one of the reasons is

they were never taught how to

communicate they were never taught how

to talk

you were never a friend of your child

the child should immediately said you

know what something happened today and

this is what happened deal with it the

same day don’t wait for the next day may

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala help us you

know someone asking about lying that my

child lies a lot lies a lot and this

happens you know as a child children

grow up some people say a children will

never lie but the truth is no they would

lie sometimes but why a lot of the times

there is a reason and sometimes because

the way you react to the truth is so

harsh that they just prefer to lie

they’ll even lie to you umm today we had

an examination at school and I came

first and you say wow well done there

was no exam and there was no even

positioning you don’t even know but just

to get appreciation the child is telling

you something totally false come on it’s

about time you reacted to the truth in a

way that the next time they tell you the

truth mum we had an exam today or dad

you know what I actually

last so now are you going to become red

and hot and say I’m wasting my money and

I’m this you’re engaged you know what

what happened aw it’s okay it’s okay

it’s okay don’t worry you know what next

time I shall let you do much better but

then you need to know the reason

so you engage the child to say what

happened

someone hassling you something happened

to you were you did you oversleep or did

you not study or something and you

engage in a beautiful way this beautiful

engagement is your tests we ask Allah

Subhanahu WA Ta’ala to help us

understand that the time that we have

with our children is very limited before

you know it they’re grown up they are

married and they have children of their

own the sad reality a lot of parents a

lot of parents become parents when they

themselves are still children who need

help

so you find I’m 18 years old and 20

years old 22 years old first child and

yet you’re still the chair you need help

yourself this is why I say time is

limited very limited learn to deal with

your children and in a beautiful way so

that you can pass the baton on may allah

subhanahu wa’ta’ala help us also

extremely important learn to pray with

your children take the time give

importance to your boys take them to

domestic in the case of the men and you

know give importance to it make sure

that you give importance to prayer the

minute you hear the Adhan everything

must change if your child witnesses this

the child will immediately respond to it

in a similar way also with with the

women for mashallah the same applies

where you have the daughters would

actually follow up and we pray together

and we don’t make it a burden not a

burden

sometimes people say you must reach

Allah come here and so on no fulfill it

and show that you have so much enjoyment

and comfort and ease from it that

themselves they’ll just look at you and

say mom I want to pray look at how happy

you are whenever you pray you’re such a

happy person the sad reality is we have

lastminute.com system Salah okay just

now especially in the home we’re talking

here you know I hope the brothers can

actually rush to the Masjid but it means

okay there’s still five minutes

remaining

okay there’s two minute okay I’ll manage

oh and before you know it the time is up

and it’s gone

may Allah forgive us may he make us

regular one of the most important things

you as a parent needs to inculcate in

the children you Allah has blessed you

with is the link with Allah the link

with the maker and if you don’t have it

how are they going to get it and this is

why we say they are very important point

if you have bad habits never in front of

your children never you know smoking bad

habit I know across the globe there’s so

many people who smoke but we say

congratulations to those who can give it

up have given it up and those who will

give it up tonight also inshallah

congratulations masha’Allah well lollie

what a beautiful achievement but we also

must acknowledge that goodness of those

who smoke but not in front of their

children I’m reading it carefully

because we’re not acknowledging any

goodness in smoking no there isn’t but

what we’re saying is you are ashamed

enough of your bad habit to do it behind

the back of your children and this is

why we say you have a bad habit never in

front of your kids it’s bad enough that

you have it you want to pass it on no

don’t don’t and you know it brings me to

another point that comes to my mind

sometimes we have a little domestic

issue in the whole never ever raise your

voice with your spouse in the presence

of your children never never never

admonish Skol shout or show that you

have some dispute get into your room

perhaps lock the door make sure the guys

are asleep and then you can start

talking and say what you have to very

important because it affects them in a

huge way in a really big way and you

won’t know they will have sleepless

nights I know I’m a counselor and I can

tell you the type of emails we get

sometimes we don’t even know how to

respond when the child says I couldn’t

sleep for one week because I

my mum and dad yelling at each other and

I can’t believe I’m too frightened to

lose any one of them and this happens

and these are real-life issues so be

careful come on it’s important for you

to know that when you have a little bit

of a mess something you try to deal with

ask yourself is it worth it doing this

in front of my children I have seen

cases I’ve seen a man and I know this

man and I’ve seen him in the mall we

were actually walking through the mall

and he was walking about you know so

many meters in front of his family and

his family were walking at the back with

his children wife and children were

walking and I got to him and he greeted

me and I greeted him back and I told him

you know I said why are you walking so

far away from your family no get them a

bit closer you know walk with me he says

they either take me I said well then

subhanAllah you need help you need help

it’s the truth so what develop your

levels your children have to laugh they

have to pull yourself they have to miss

they have to do so many things I was

attending a lecture once and my little

son happened two or three times it’s

happened to me where they miss your

clothes and you don’t know how I’m lipid

so what nobody would even notice and if

they notice they know you’re a father

it’s okay it’s fine what’s the big deal

mashallah once I was delivering a

lecture some of you might see it one of

the Ramadan series I think it was the

21st or 22nd night of Jule’s of the

Quran and my little son happened to

climb the member behind me and I don’t

know why everyone is laughing I’m busy

talking to the crowd the camera’s dead

the thing is being beamed across

wherever it is and my son is behind me

and he’s actually making faces and doing

all sorts of things from the back it’s

one of those things well now I I know it

when I knew that it was him it changed

me it actually you could actually sense

in the talk that something’s happened

here but I had to deal with it because I

cannot turn around and say hey get down

and do this and do that it’s okay they

are children let them be children may

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala help us do not

be embarrassed do not be embarrassed to

the degree that you distance yourself

from your own children

how can that be even your spouse walk

with them carry them play with them that

is the sunnah of muhammad sallallahu

Sangam once he delayed in sujood you

know so dude is the prostration in salah

in prayer such an important posture

acaba Maya Colonel Abdul Larabee one who

asserted the hadith says the closest

that a slave is to his the rub and his

Lord is in the position of prostration

and the prophet sallallaahu Selim was

delaying so much and you know what the

reason was his grandson was on his back

and he didn’t want to get up and drop

him so he waited until the grandson

finished playing and went down and he

kept on praising allah subhanahu wa

taala then he got up amazing

they were instances when he carried him

in his hand while he was praying and you

know what today I don’t think we would

really be able to do much of that in the

musket because nowadays the tolerance

levels have dropped so much that even if

you bring your child someone might come

and say you know what this child is too

young please don’t bring this child

anymore to the Masjid that’s what they

would say and perhaps they wouldn’t you

know the prophet sallallaahu salam it is

the report incorrect I did that he used

to make haste with Salah when he heard

the screaming of children at the back

you know when when the children made a

noise at the back of someone and he

would make a little bit of haste and he

would try and complete the Salah so that

the mothers can have a bit of relief

it’s not so easy this is the Sunnah

where are we we become parents and we

think we know it all go back to Muhammad

sallallaahu Salim believe me you’ll be

amazed and surprised at all the points

we derive when we learn from Hamid

sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Schleif and

the way he treated his family and his

children and so on another extremely

important point some people promised

their children you know what if you do

this I’ll give you a suite then when

they do it no suite comes

as dangerous you know they work towards

if you say if you do this end of the

year we’re going on holiday come end of

the year no holiday comes so what

happens the child loses trust mistrust

no more I don’t have any trust anymore

the reason is this father or mother of

mine every time they promise me

something they never deliver the goods

promise something small but deliver it

if the child has done something deliver

the thing because if you do that it

encourages and boosts the child number

one and number two it builds the trust

between you and the child the next time

you say something the child knows my

mother’s truthful my father very

truthful person so be truthful and learn

to fulfill the promises that you make

for your own children also extremely

important sit with your children and

tell them tales of the past your life

you know when I was growing up this is

what happened we had a time when this

happened and that happened you know we

used to walk to school and we used to

have shoes that had holes in them and

you know amazing and the child would say

what because you do not realize how fast

the world is moving do you know that

there are children who I mean I’m taking

a look at my age roughly for example and

the average age of us who are seated

here today there are children who grew

up and who were born and they are

growing up in the age of the mobile

phone in a way that they think it is

absolutely normal to ignore people and

to be on the phone because that’s the

only thing they’ve seen the entire lives

so we don’t realize they don’t even know

there was a time 1996 when or in fact

1990 when if you needed to call a

different continent you had to phone the

operator and book a call and they would

call you back and say we have connected

your call and you speak and they’re

counting the seconds and you pay so much

per second I recall when I was a student

in madina munawwara we used to only have

those phones no mobile no nothing we

have to have those phones with the

queens it was 17 coins a minute that’s

what we used to pay 17 today we have you

know three on skype we can talk to them

and they can see you and you can smile

and wink for free mashallah

at that time it was so expensive talk to

them about it you know nowadays let me

show you what the payphone is all about

after that they introduced a little card

you would push in the card and then you

would press and after that they

introduced what was known as cabinas

cabinas meaning you actually would go

there and phone and sometimes they would

link you with your house I had a link

with one of the guys and from sitting at

my home I would connect through him and

this is what was happening and today

they are out of business believe me they

are out of business because it’s

something far away but for our children

talk to them about the times you know

gone are the days I really enjoy that

the stories of how long it took from one

city to another the type of cars they

had still I enjoy these stories because

it’s amazing I can give you a story my

little brother the first time that he

ever tasted coca-cola in fact he’s older

than me but when he was little the first

time he ever tasted coke and were like

this is a true story in my own family my

brother would probably be listening to

this and laughing the first time he

drank Coke he told my mother I don’t

like this

this ants in it do you know what that

means

it’s the gas the gas in the coke says I

don’t like this this ants in it and

after that he became one of the biggest

coke drinkers you could have and I said

and I think how could you say ants in it

you know because just because of the gas

in your mouth today the little kids from

from when they can drink we start

feeding them a bit of coke that’s very

bad for the help but anyway this is what

has happened life has changed so tell

them stories of the past you will be

able to develop the link and so much

will happen also of importance is to

teach your child how to say no when

something negative happens when there is

something that is wrong you teach your

child to say no so they don’t just

participate in everything being polite

sometimes politeness is to say no in a

beautiful way this is extremely

important also of importance is when the

child has failed in something how do you

react to the child we spoke about it

slightly and it’s important for us to

think about it don’t react in a way that

the child become

depressed that is your child if you do

not appreciate the child who will do

that in your place perhaps the child

might look for attention and

appreciation elsewhere and we regret for

an entire lifetime also if you have more

than one child be fair that is a sunnah

of muhammad sallallaahu Selim be

balanced make sure that you make him all

feel loved and you make them all feel

you know this beautiful feeling that

Subhan Allah

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala has blessed us

with these parents and Allah Subhanahu

WA Ta’ala has granted us ease and

goodness and we ask Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala to help us I think I’m hearing

the event if I’m not mistaken can we

pause for a moment inshallah respecting

and responding the : Sharma just pausing

we see seated here but we will answer

the Adhan

Salam alaikum wa rahmatullah we were

speaking about the various points and a

point that has just come to my mind at

the moment is something extremely

important where the Islamic values will

always remain the same remember this the

Islamic values do not change they will

remain the same but the style and the

method is what changes so the value is

the same Islamic values how you portray

them how you educate them in that regard

that may change with the changing of

time you know we have something nowadays

known as brownie points you can give

them in so many different ways to your

little children you know you have say on

your fridge you might have a little card

or a few a little maybe a board where

you pen a star every time the child does

something good and you tell them you get

10 stars and inshallah you will have a

surprise so the child is one star two

stars well done well done then when they

do something that’s not good you might

delete a star talk to them and say look

one star goes you have to pay for this

and when they get to ten give it to them

subhanAllah this encourages allah

subhanahu wa’ta’ala has asked us to

compete when it comes to paradise and

guess what he’s done he’s described

snippets of paradise for us to work

towards it and we know we’re going to

get him so this shows us that when you

have told your child that if you get ten

stars you better get something it will

help the child subhanAllah in such a

beautiful way they have a goal and an

aim I want ten stars I have a son at

school he has spelling tests and every

time the spelling test the the person

who gets the top results they have their

name put on and you know what he comes

back and says my name is on day my name

is on day they are so happy sister name

something when I teach little children I

have a habit of every single day I have

to listen those who are good and those

who are bad this is something

interesting and so what I do is I make

sure that I write maximum number of

names on the side which says those who

are good and guess what those who are

bad I never ever write names on there

but I second them to say you know what

do you want your name to go in here and

say no no no no we don’t want ok they

um meaning it’s a beautiful way of

looking at things when I say threatened

I don’t mean in a bad way we’re talking

of telling them who you might have your

name on there but don’t worry I don’t

think you deserve it yet and keep on

saying that until the lesson is over and

then when they when they go they’ll talk

about it for the day Wow we had our

names on the right side it means so much

to them and for you

you know what I’ve actually done

recently we opened a madrasah back in

Zimbabwe and at the beginning the first

few weeks I was teaching we were

teaching elephant back to the kids and I

remember very clearly I said would you

like a watch and the child says yes so I

drew a watch on the board that’s your

watch your name is next to it

well I and would you like a car yes I

drew a car on the board and I put the

name that’s your car and they went home

today I got a watch father says where’s

he says it was on the board I’m sorry

but to be honest with you it’s something

that helps it is just a system you need

to think of these things in order to get

this you know relationship going between

me and the child to say look you know

what there’s your car imagine going back

home dad I got a car it’s a it’s a

Toyota Texas Wow where is it this is

it’s on the board I mean it’s so but

it’s good masha’Allah alhamdulillah may

Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala help us also

what’s very important is to avoid anger

we spoke about it from a different angle

but I know sometimes we become upset you

can show the child that you’re upset but

avoid anger anger is something dangerous

the prophets of allah al salam says and

he warns even one youth who came to him

and he asked him for advice he repeated

the statement Latta the table top of the

platter of do not get angry do not get

angry when you are angry it impairs the

way you deal with things your judgment

is impaired the way you actually tackle

matters is changed so this is why we

must make sure that anger we control and

we make sure that we if we are becoming

upset and angry there is a way of

dealing with it we should be cut should

be come we should ask a last protection

from Japan and so on especially when

dealing with our own children I want to

quickly move to the last subtitle and

that is positive living it’s important

to develop a deep rooted relationship

with your children to create a

positive emotional environment I stopped

there for a minute you enter some homes

and you know what happens

everyone is blooming everyone is so

gloomy you just feel like what am I

doing here it’s happened to me you enter

a house and people are just looking down

and they so sad when you know they like

frowning and everyone’s just looking at

each other no communication between the

people not even with you as a visitor

sometimes and subhanAllah that is so

dangerous

emotionally you are setting the people

who are there your own family members

you need to create a positive emotional

environment I know some mums who

mashallah even when they are sick and

ill they come out of their beds and they

you know they make sure they pack away

their children’s lunch and send them off

to school with a smile and they’ll get

back to the bed say Ya Allah help me I’m

so unwell today but they did not show

that to the child I know sometimes it’s

not so easy but to create this positive

environment goes so far in bringing up

the child in a way that is positive

everything that happens to the child the

child comes back home looking forward to

the home hey I’m running home you know

if you picture in your mind a child

rushing back home to hug the mum and

another child depressed walking back

thinking what’s gonna happen when I go

home which one do you want wouldn’t you

like your child looking at the watch

sometimes age almost home time yeah my

dad’s gonna be there waiting there to

pick me up isn’t that a beautiful

feeling and others say I wish this thing

doesn’t stop I don’t even want to look

at my dad I don’t even want to see I

don’t even want to go home create the

positive environment make sure that you

work towards it may Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala help us like we said you have to

strive to achieve it doesn’t just come

like that some people are a bit more

gifted perhaps but it’s an it’s a

striving you need to force yourself to

do things in the positive way and ask

Allah help and this brings us to an

important point also and that is be

concerned about the health of your child

you know some people the child is sick

they say don’t worry if you still got

the scoff after one week then we go to

the doctor by that time the child might

be half dead you don’t even know what

happened mashallah you will you

in a country where medical attention is

very easily accessible there are some

countries where it’s so difficult well I

it’s your duty your health of your child

is so important my beloved fathers and

mothers take it seriously now there is

the other extreme where something small

happens in you quickly rush to the

doctor that’s another extreme because

every day you’ll be at the hospital

believe me you know the child will grow

up in the hospital you know amazing I

know of one case where we visited the

doctor and we were sitting there we had

an issue and someone comes in with a

child there was nothing looking you know

nothing there was it was not looking

like anything wrong with the child and I

asked this man who was there you know

selamat you know I hope everything’s

okay you know Allah began she fast yeah

you see this his eye is a bit swollen I

said okay his eye swollen what happened

and I could see absolutely nothing

nothing and so Hannah live a little

while later I seen Pat’s there was a

slight pink eyes and something happened

no no we were just looking at the eyes

looking at the eyes and my wife told me

no this is a bit swollen and I’m saying

no but she looked at it she said no

swollen I said what do you mean he says

no then she said just take him to the

doctor to check to make sure I said

Subhan Allah you’re looking at things

obviously I let them be because

sometimes people have this nature but I

felt that that was a bit exaggeration

you know sometimes you there’s nothing

wrong you know if I tell you there’s a

line we did it with one of our teachers

once when I was at high school I’ve

given this example before perhaps you

know you’ll enjoy it perhaps some of you

might know it we had a teacher and she

used to teach us Mass and she was so so

so strict and so much work within that

little time that was slotted to her so

we decided we were learning you know

biology and science and so on and we

were learning about how people think and

we said no let’s try it on her so early

in the morning we had so many about 30

of us but planted in different places

throughout that the school where she

would be walking and as soon as she came

to the school you know we would go

morning ma’am can I help you with your

books you know because she has some

books in hand so on money ma’am can I

help you with your book she says yes yes

is there something wrong you’re not

looking so well no I’m fine there’s

absolutely nothing wrong with me

Wow okay ma’am but I just was just

thinking maybe perhaps you’re not

looking too well and then she walked a

little bit and the one guy was carrying

her books and there was another person

planted by the stairs now she got to the

stairs services you know when you stand

up that was the discipline that the

school I went to you stand up and you

greet good morning ma’am are you okay

ma’am you’re not looking too well no I’m

fine you know and guess what

by the time she got all the way to her

classroom and this is a true story we

pranked it as she got to the classroom

and she says she entered the classroom

there must have been about 20 people who

told her how sick she was looking that

day when she got to the classroom she

says morning boys I’m not feeling too

well today I can have a free lesson I

think I just need to you know and I

swear it will and the reason why I say

this is because psychologically everyone

is saying you’re looking sick so then

you definitely said yeah I am looking

sick I’m sick okay I’m sick this is this

is just an example I’m giving that

sometimes out of something out of

nothing we make something remember that

with your children take things seriously

but you don’t have to over exaggerate

may Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala help us

something extremely important and this

is a point someone yesterday told me to

raise because it’s a very very pertinent

issue the issue of marriage marriage of

your children now your child has grown

masha’Allah

and the child wants to get married I say

something why is it that we show the

most keen interest in the life of the

child when the child is about to marry

when we were absent throughout the

upbringing of that child it happens

I never took part in my child’s life now

suddenly the child went to varsity and

went elsewhere and did this and did that

and they come up with something which

might not be exactly per the ideal that

I had a dream of and then I make such a

show of it that the whole you know there

is more in my home for such a long time

the reason is I

not participate in the life of my child

I had a dream person that my child would

marry but I never related it in a

beautiful way because I had no

relationship this is what it is I

believe if you have a solid relationship

from a young age so beautiful open

communication like a booklet you know

people say a parent should be nowadays

more a friend than a parent I think you

know what we there is a difference

between a friend and a parent but we can

bring the two together and be very very

good friends as parents because there is

a slight difference a parent actually

what is what is the duty is guiding as

well and perhaps a little bit of

authority as well whereas a friend might

not be able to have any authority but I

believe the engaging from the beginning

of the life of the child would be if it

was good when the child makes decisions

the first person who would know is you

so you can guide them from the beginning

you know what beautiful choice you know

what I don’t think we should go in this

direction you know it’s so tricky

because today people ask at what age

should we talk about marriage to our

children there’s no specific age it

depends on your culture depends on your

norm depends on the upbringing but I

believe the way you treat your child

would already send strong messages to

the child from very early age as to what

they should be looking for in a spouse

and at the early age perhaps 12 13 you

can start talking to them about that

type of spouse that should interest them

and the reason why I say this you know

someone might be thinking okay the

proper Islamic way of doing things is

that it must come from here it must do

that do you know what reality on the

ground is something else sometimes a lot

of cases and I know of people living in

you know the Western countries and so on

even where I come from the son or the

daughter will come up and say dad I

found someone get married that’s what

happens in a lot of countries I I don’t

think it’s the norm here but it does

happen a lot of countries where they’ll

say I found someone and the dad will say

well who’s the lucky I know friends of

mine who have told me hey my daughter

found someone do you know what according

to some cultures that

absolutely unacceptable in fact

according to the Islamic norm it’s not

the ideal way of doing things no it

isn’t but if reality has struck what do

you do as a parent it’s something it’s

very tricky I believe before you get to

that day you already need to engage the

child so that the day that the child

grows older they allow you or they make

you a part of their decisions but if you

were never there you will not be there

even when they decide they say that

anyway you made a mistake with mom or

mom you made a mistake with dad anyway I

don’t want to repeat the same mistakes

it happens so we ask Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala to guide us and this is why we

say marriage of the children participate

in it in a beautiful way then if you

have had a case which might not be the

ideal where someone your soup your child

has come to you and told you that you

know this is what I’d like to achieve

and you know you might not be so keen

ask yourself one main question firstly

you may want to talk to the child engage

the child ask them their reasons try and

educate them try and help them try and

wean them off something sometimes kids

might only come to you two years after

they’ve already promised someone I’m

going to marry them after two years they

tell you you know what that someone and

you think it’s fresh you don’t know it’s

two years old three years old seven

years old you don’t even know because

you are a dad who was never really there

this is something tricky but obviously

with the environment around and with the

internet and so on there is so much that

goes on you need to guide your children

from an early age like I say then you

try and wean them off by communication

education and trying to talk to them

engage them delay them a little bit if

you get to a stage you know like they

say when the push gets to the shelf then

you need to understand what to do ask

yourself one final question is this

allowed in Islam if it is as much as I

have to swallow the pill let me swallow

it and let them make a mistake rather

than lose their minds I have come across

more than ten cases of children who have

lost their minds

they’ve suffered mental depression of a

very very see

this state because something went wrong

in a love life that was not supposed to

have been in the first place online and

this is reality like I said tonight we

don’t want to speak fantasy we are

talking real-life issues that affect us

on the ground you may or may not have

gone through it it may or may not be

applicable directly and immediately to

you but believe me it’s happening and

the reason is sometimes the parents are

so unreasonable what’s wrong what is it

their loss um Hannah Hart Allah help us

engage your children help them if it is

allowed and permissible and and if it is

if it can happen and you’ve tried your

best to guide them then let it happen

perhaps it might be the best way this is

why seek guidance and there is one thing

that has to be the underlying factor if

you are always worried about the world

what the world is going to say about you

you might make the wrong decisions in

life remember this

sometimes you have to champion a cause

that you are the leader of believe me I

am worried what’s the world going to say

the whole world is worried of what the

rest of the world is going to say so

we’re all living a life that other

people would like to see us living none

of us are living our own lives this is

what happens I need to ask myself what

does my lord have to say about it what

does Allah have to say what is it in

Islam is it allowed is it not allowed am

i fine-tuning this with what my faith is

if that is the case alhamdulillah I’m

heading in the right direction may Allah

Subhanahu WA Ta’ala bless us all the

final point I’d like to make mention of

before I close is to our supplication

supplication is extremely important you

know sometimes we think we are very

intelligent very intelligent and I can

do things we forget to pray ask Allah oh

Allah help my children and help me be a

good parent

we ask Allah Subhanahu WA Ta’ala to show

us the path and to show them the path to

help us be effective Oh Allah my

weaknesses cover them from my children

and a lot develop them in a beautiful

way and oh Allah help them

their weaknesses and yalla whatever they

need help in expose it to me in a way

that I can help them and grant me the

ability to help them in that sometimes

your children need help they don’t ask

you and sometimes you don’t pick it up

but if you ask Allah to show it to you

by Allah’s will those are your children

don’t be a person who curses the

children the hadith of the Prophet

sallallahu alayhi wa sallam speaks up to

our of a parent the supplication of a

parent it’s dangerous to curse your own

kick some people every little thing you

know I don’t even want to say those

words they’re so bad but they’re on the

tongues every little thing you curse the

father and you curse this person and you

curse that one and you curse your kids

and you cursed

why rather spend that moment to make a

good do I’d rather spend the moment to

supplicate in a way that amazingly the

child will benefit just from your

supplication because Allah is in control

didn’t I start the stop by saying the

one who is an absolute control of every

aspect of existence that is rubble

al-amin my brothers and sisters I have

shared with you just a few of the notes

that I have on parenting and this is a

as Muslims we have spoken today and this

is why you will hear a lot of the

quotations from the Quran and the Sunna

and you will hear the guidelines as

muslimeen we ask Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala to bless us there is still a lot

that can be said about parenting and a

lot that still has to be said about

parenting it cannot just end in one

session but this is just a Charla and

encouragement for us to head in the

right direction to be able to talk about

it perhaps we can have more workshops we

can share ideas that’s also a very

important point you have friends your

friends have children talk to them

sometimes you know when your child was

growing up what did you do and they say

oh I sent my child here and this is what

I did I got them into good company I

made sure I did this and you learn from

it so we share our experiences and I

think it’s really

really beautiful to listen to the

experiences of others and to learn from

them and let them also learn from us ah

coolio matters my own I’ve said whatever

you’ve heard I ask Allah Subhanahu WA

Ta’ala to accept it from us in a few

moments in Jannah I will be reading some

of the questions that are here in the

meantime kizhakemala head thank you so

much for your listening we pause just
1954
01:13:40,410 –> 00:00:00,000
for a few moments

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