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Published on November 18th, 2018 | by Eaalim Institute | Views: 134

Forced Marriage

I just want to highlight something, I want
to address something first of all, to the

young people who are being pressured into
getting married. I just want to say just a

couple things to you guys. Again, it’s not
the solution to all of your problems but at

least, I’ll highlight some things. First
and foremost, the relationship you are getting

into, you don’t go into a marriage thinking
you’re going to get divorced. You go into

marriage because this is going to be the next
half of your life. This is a lifelong commitment.

This is the next 50-60 years of your life.
It’s not a light decision. A lot of times

all you think about is the marriage ceremony,
the party, you know, making your parents happy.

That’s right now. What about ten years from
now, or fifteen years from now or twenty years

from now? Cause this one decision decides
the direction of the rest of your life. So

if there was one time where you speak out
and say your opinion, and take a stand, with

all due respect, this is the time. You’re
not being disrespectful this is a right Allah

gave you. This is a serious decision, which
has to do with you life. Not your parents’

life more than it has to do with yours. Of
course, you should be making a wise decision

on who you marry and what kind of person they
should be and your parents should have a say

in that. But your parents don’t have exclusive
say. The dominant say is actually yours. And

subhanallah, even the ayah (An Nisa: 21) “They’ve
taken from you.” Allah mentioned the women

themselves. You are going to be, the sisters
I am talking to now, you have to be comfortable

with the person you are marrying. Of course
if you come from a conservative family and

a religiously observing family, you don’t
go out and party, you don’t go out and talk

to men casually. You’re not going to get
to know the guy by going on a few dates before

you decide. Of course, you’re not going
to be comfortable entirely with marriage cause

it’s a new thing in your life but at least,
you’re going to have some level of comfort

with the idea. You’re going to be, “Okay,
you know what this seems like a good person

to myself, as best as I can find out within
the realm of Shariah, this seems to be a good

person, I think this is a good match for me.”
Sometimes it’s the best match and sometimes

people get married and get divorced. Lets
see what happened with Sahabah. We do our

due diligence right, you have to be happy
going in, you shouldn’t be settling in a

relationship going in. The same is true with
guys. Guys, speak up. Let your opinion be

heard. That doesn’t mean you’re being
disrespectful, unless you’re being disrespectful

in the way you say it. See, disrespect is
not about what you say, a lot of times what

you say is legitimate, you’re right, you
have the right to say something. But how you

choose to say it, the tone you choose to use,
so be wise when you bring this up to your

elders. To the elders, I would like to say
that if your children are 24, 25, even 22,

23 years old, they’re way over adults. And
if they come to you saying “I wanna marry

this girl”, “I wanna marry this man,”
and you’re living in the west, I mean I

have one more condition here, if you’re
living in the west, then try to understand

something. They would not have brought this
proposal up if they weren’t serious. Second

of all, they are not children anymore. You
can call them children when they are 85 years

old and you’re a 150. It won’t matter.
They’re not children anymore. They’re

adults. And this is not a kid going to a toyshop
saying, “I wanna buy that toy, get me an

iron man action figure.” So you just yell
at them and say, “No no, that’s not for

you, buy the ninja turtle instead.” This
is not the purchase of a toy. This is a life

decision. And these young people you should
discuss this decision with them but for a

lot of you parents, when they bring up a proposal,
you’re like “No way! Are you kidding me?”

And it becomes a matter of pride that your
child chose a person, not you. Look you brought

them into a western society, they’re mingling
with men and women all the time. The fact

that they may have found somebody, maybe not
in the most acceptable means Islamically but

it has already happened. They already like
somebody, they are already interested in marrying

someone. And you shut them down, and you say
no way, this will never happen, this is a

matter of our pride, this is a matter of our
religion. Well, there are so many other matters

of you religion where you ignored to teach
them properly, where you ignored to provide

them a healthy environment and now you’re
getting at them for making a choice or even

suggesting a choice. At least, consider the
choice. Become more open minded about the

possibilities, the world around you has changed.
The way you got married, they way even my

parents got married is a different time. Those
norms, those standards, cultural standards

have changed. The world around us has changed.
So we have to be open to the choices our children

are making. Look, if you’re sending your
son to college, you have enough trust in him

to send him to college, to let him work in
a non-Muslim society, if you’re sending

your daughter to school and she is getting
an education in a non-muslim society, you

trust her enough to send her out into a cruel,
corrupt world. To survive and to uphold her

values. So then you have to trust her enough
with her decision. At least, enough to consider

her decision, even if you don’t like the
choice at first, at least consider that decision.

So be a little more open minded about this
discussion and control the tempers. There

is no need for openly dramatic language, there
is no need for “Oh my God, all of my dreams

have shattered, you’re no longer my son.”
Take it easy, take it easy. Everyone should

be able to say how they feel. In many Muslim
cultures, parents don’t open up, when it’s

too late, and children don’t say anything
cause they’re too afraid of what their parents

might think. We need to change that culture.
We need to have a culture of open, honest
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and yet at the same time respectful communication.

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